Note: With the exception of spell-check, this article is completely unedited. Everything you see is exactly as I originally wrote it.
Sometimes I think…
And I think
…. And think.
About what I want to do with my life. What am I supposed to do with my life?
I have many interests. You know when you were at a carnival as a kid, and saw all these toys, and when you FINALLY won the toy, you wonder whether you could’ve gotten a bigger one? Or a better one?
This has always been my worry. I mean in life, not just at carnivals.
I have many activities I am involved in, and love them all. I love violin. I love fashion. I love public speaking. I love writing everything and anything. I also rediscovered my passion for acting recently after having been discouraged from school plays since my dormouse days in Alice in Wonderland. Did that sentence even make sense?
This is exactly my thought process. I can’t choose. Maybe I don’t have to choose one passion. I used to worry, worry, worry about the person I would be some day.
Do you ever feel like you’re destined for something, but you just can’t quite put your finger on what it is?
Yeah. When I was in 5th grade, I was SET on being a fashion designer. I just knew that was my destiny. Could I sew? Nope. But that didn’t stop me from filling out hundreds of pages of sketch paper with outfit designs.
And then came 9th grade, which, technically speaking, was last year. I had noooo idea what I was going to do with my life. I loved violin (still do), but I also loved fashion (STILL do).
And I just couldn’t see myself doing both at the same time.
So then I decided this year that I would want to become a musician. THAT would be my future. Playing lots of violin every day for the rest of my life. But becoming a musician is not that simple. You have to start preparing repertoire to audition to get into music conservatories in high school. You can’t make school or other activities your number one.
And this kind of scared me.
How the hell am I supposed to make school second? Drop my clubs? No AP classes? What if I go into music and realize it’s the wrong thing for me?
In short, my thoughts became: OH NO WHAT IF I FAIL AT LIFEEEE????!!!!!
I immediately wondered if becoming a musician was the right thing for me. On one hand, I love music with all my heart, and I feel like I can communicate a story to an audience in ways that words can’t. But in other ways, I wonder if there’s something else out there for me.
I also realized this wasn’t fair to myself. How could I lock myself into one thing? Why didn’t I let myself be imaginative and realize that I can do and be many things?
I let go of my fear of not knowing.
I was being way too closed off, and really just caging myself in.
I decided to stop worrying, and to just absorb everything that comes my way. I am going to be open to everything.
I feel strongest in the arts, and the idea of coding and doing math and science sounds quite daunting.
But who knows? I could end up being a computer scientist! Or a brain surgeon. I don’t know!
That’s okay. I accept that I do not know where I am headed.
There’s this quote (not my own, idk who said this) that always reminds me to chill:
Wishing you a lovely week!