As the year wraps up, I’m starting to understand myself more and more. I won’t make any promises or resolutions to myself. That’s not fair. I’m human, and I’m changing constantly. I hope to become more sophisticated in my language. I’ve always hoped to be like that. On Christmas Day, I had the lovely opportunity to see one of my grandma’s closest friends: Rose Marie. She is so elegant. Probably one of the most lovely women I’ve ever met. She is so gracious and has such a regal air about her. She inspired me with every word she said that evening. I don’t think it was even what she said. You can just tell she genuinely loves life and that she is comfortable with herself. I hope in 2016 I can be more like her: appreciative and loving of life. More present and engaged.
I won’t make a resolution. I will work every day to be more mindful of my words, of my behavior, and of my actions. Earlier this year, I was really into posting pretty pictures on Instagram. Food, things, scenery, you name it. It made me happy to post these things. Recently, I posted something of that kind: my lunch. Probably 10 minutes after posting that, I started to feel a bit sad. Maybe sad is too strong of a word. You know when you listen to some music-specifically the first movement of Bach Sonata No. 1-and there’s something underlying in the melody that’s a bit melancholic? Yes. Melancholy is the word I was reaching for. I felt melancholic after posting a picture of my lunch, some strawberry water, and my purse. I felt emptier than the substance of that photo. I deleted the picture, and instantly felt whole again. Strange, huh? Well, at that moment, I realized that posting those pretty things no longer makes me happy. It makes me feel hollow and narcissistic.
I want to post real things. Experiences, people I love, places I love. I want to live and be present. I want to look at my food and pretty things and appreciate them for what they are. I don’t want to obsess over and make more of these items-this stuff-than they are.
In 2016 I will be more alive. I will live. I won’t resolve to do things. I will simply be. I will strive and achieve. And that is enough.